>Warning: This Is A Long One,..

>I don’t know how….How do I stop seeing the whole thing, which overwhelms me, and learn to see manageable slices that I can handle? This is my…what is that thing around the neck in fiction? Is it a millstone? Whatever it is, it has burdened me my whole life. I have recently learned that this, at least to some degree, is not my fault. ADHD people have a hard time with stuff like this. It’s probably why I ALWAYS wait until the last minute to do any sort of project. In school, I was the Sunday night-er, the last minute study-er, the read the whole chapter, even if it takes till 3am-er.

In some ways it can be motivational; some people perform pretty well under pressure. When it comes to reports, reading assignments, internet research and report, I’m actually better, I think. But when I see things around me that need doing, or the exercise I need to do to loose weight and get healthy, the enormity of the Project, it all seems so massive, the weight of it crushes me and I lose hope. And will. Then, I begin my downward spiral into “what’s the point, anyway?” I know, somewhere inside me, that it’s all part of the Great Lie, and part of the whole ADHD thing. I’m actually glad to learn about the ADHD thing, it takes a little of the guilt and recrimination away. But not all of it. I know better. I should be able to do better.

I wrote a piece once on the subject of hope. One day, I may post it here…I was thinking of my sister when I wrote it. Anyway, contrary to popular belief, hope is terribly expensive. And deceptive. And elusive. It’s as hard to hold on to as water in your hands.

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll go and see if I can find the hope thing…brb.

Okay, I found it. A word. All my writing is copyrighted. At the Library of Congress. Just so you know…

I wrote this in 2002…for my sister…

…of Hope

Isn’t it strange, sad, to see how fear can cost, cause us to give up or even destroy the very blessings we so desperately want? We get so beaten and broken down by life, circumstances and the choices we make that we sometimes feel as if we’ve been fighting the Hundred Year War all by ourselves. And it seems like every time we are about to give up, Hope glimmers over the horizon. We pull together our ragged emotions and run, summoning all the joy and strength we can muster, only to crash full speed into an enemy, in any shape or form-many would say “fate”. He stands, laughing, mocking our puny efforts, hurling words of defeat and failure (and many others) until we could no more be as thoroughly pulverized than if a sledgehammer had been used. We manage to crawl away and lick our wounds, and then the cycle renews: war, hope, mockery and pain. Each time, we become weaker, healing less, moving slower toward anything that looks like Hope. Hope is expensive. The price it demands is nothing less than all you have, seemingly with little in return. So it is with little surprise that it seems surreal when Hope does come and stand before us. There we are, dying from wounds unseen to the naked eye, lifeblood pouring from our souls, our breathing labored and raspy as it rattles through our spirit. We look upon this thing shimmering like a mirage and quite often, we lay our heads down in a pool of dying dreams and tell this thing, this “Hope” to go away. Little in this world can hurt like hope unrealized.

Sometimes, though, just sometimes, a few of us reach down into the hidden depths of ourselves, into the very essence of who we are, our hopes, dreams, regrets, past, present-we take that fragile part of us and do the unthinkable, because at last, whether we are conscious of it or not, we understand. We summon every drop of love, hate, pain, joy, shame, regret, sorrow, want, desire, rage, anger, bitterness, frustration, fear-and with a determination bordering on mania and a cry that echoes throughout the heavens, we rend ourselves asunder, hurling ourselves at Hope’s feet, naked and bloody, unprotected and raw, all our shells, masks and expectations lying, like so much discarded skin, in a rotting heap behind us. And there, barely a recognizable, roiling, writhing mass, we cling to Hope with a tenacity born of the need to believe in something bigger than ourselves; the belief that, even to those who feel most lowly, Good will and must come, that they matter, even in the grand scheme of things. And from this need, Faith is born. And of course, that is only the beginning…

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About CuriousCat

I love to learn new things-anything from how to create a junk journal to the way light moves through space; why cats present their behinds to us to the effects of chemicals on our endocrine system. If it interests me, I can spend hours reading and learning about it.

Posted on May 1, 2010, in dark/sparkle and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. >I am reminded of myself, in my own maniacal desperation and the sliver of hope I stubbornly clung to, during the last months that my husband endured a losing battle with cancer.Your writing is so heartfelt and emotional that it is a joy to read…even when it tugs at the melancholy strings of my heart.

  2. >Thank you, you're so sweet. I've been through a thing or two…honestly, books and music have saved my life. It's like your art-I look at it almost everyday to see what's new-it's magic to me, like the places I used to hide in inside my mind when the outside world was too much…it's like you create a safe, mysterious, and wonderful place for the broken and wounded to go and just be…*deep, happy sigh*

  3. >I've recently experienced a 'hiccup'…don't know why. I had done a couple samples for a recording artist/songwriter…to go along with her songs. She was asking if I could do some samples for a couple of different songs. She liked one piece in particular…then we came to the whole 'money thing'…turned out I just couldn't do the work for the budget she had to work with.Now recently…I seem to be 'stuck'…oh well…I'll just keep 'pushing' to see if I can get through it….but, in the meantime..the piece I wanted to do for you just isn't coming together right.Perhaps I just need to 'step away from it' for a bit and see what happens.

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