>Looking For My Hauberk and Greaves….

>Warning: This post is very personal…and ultimately, deals with faith….


I’ve been at war my whole life. From the time I was a very young child, I would stand against my grandmother on my mom’s behalf, constantly parrying the cruel words, belittling comments, and despicable attitudes.

Then, I would turn and stand against my mom, on my own behalf, for the same things…

Later, as a teen, I fought internal wars…usually with myself. More often than not, I lost…

In my first marriage, I fought against a whole family who hated me simply because a man chose me over his mother….until the constant barrage of words/manipulations/plots became too much…

I fought against the side effects of my childhood, warped perceptions, skewed beliefs, and the conviction that I was a non-person.

Today, I fight for the children in my class. I fight, very carefully, for the fair treatment of my friends in their relationships. I fight for my nephew whose mother seems to have forgotten him. I fight for my marriage, in the form of honest discussions-before the need for yelling arises…

It is not in me to simply accept……easily. I don’t surrender……easily. 

I fight with words and silence. I fight with action and inaction. Mostly, I fight with prayer. No surprise, then, that, as far as faith and church go, a particular kind of ‘fighting’ is my calling….

I get weary. I get hit. I fall down….and often, sadly, stay down. This last time, for years. I’ve become less of a warrior and more of a sniper…

My Director/Boss/Friend and I were talking today about her husband. We talked about how she and I are similar and very different in our approaches to life and scary things. She has profound faith. She understands. She accepts…

I have faith. I have a semi-profound understanding. I do NOT accept…..easily. I question my Daddy; I argue with Him; I point out words He’s spoken and, in a child-like manner, stomp my foot in frustration and respectfully demand to know ‘why’ and ‘why not’ and I wait for an answer (I am that strong willed child, also a trait of a firstborn)…

Yesterday, on the way home from work, I did a little warring.

It felt good….

**Info Note: ‘Daddy’ – not a reference to a man, but to God, the only Father I’ve ever known…

Advertisements

About CuriousCat

I love to learn new things-anything from how to create a junk journal to the way light moves through space; why cats present their behinds to us to the effects of chemicals on our endocrine system. If it interests me, I can spend hours reading and learning about it.

Posted on July 21, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. >One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that people will act true to their natures — and not necessarily true to what others or good sense would have them be or do.Shouting at the rain will not keep you dry. Using an umbrella will.Draw conditions of behavior between you and others. I will accept this from you … but not that. Most people will treat in the way you allow them to.If they persist in behaving in a cruel, hurtful, negative fashion, then they have decided to not have a healthy relationship.What is that saying? "Don't let the door knob hit you where the good Lord split you."With bosses and others with whom you cannot disengage, it becomes more delicate and difficult.Sometimes a simple "I see that remark as hurtful and unnecessary. Do not say that to me again." is sufficient.First, they probably have never been politely but firmly called on their behavior. Second, deep down, they know their words have been cruel. Third, if they are too dysfunctional to recognize or care, then it is time to consider removing yourself from the field of combat.Hope this advice in the dark helps to some small degree, Roland

  2. >You're so brave to blog above such personal subjects! I'm so glad you're there to look out for those kids in your class. If you can teach them fairness and how to treat people, you're making the world a better place.

  3. >OMG, you just described me. I, too, am a fighter. I, too, rail at Daddy. I'm told he's big enough to take it and honors my feelings. So I should, too. I was never allowed to express anger as a child and had to learn as an adult that it's a necessary and valid emotion. It can be used constructively, as Roland said, to set boundaries where they are needed. For our protection. And sanity.Hang in there, beautiful lady. And know that you are not alone.~that rebel, OliviaP.S. I'm sorry I didn't get by here sooner to share your burden. If you ever need a friend to talk to, one who's been there, please email me. droherrell@yahoo.com

  4. >Is not faith the struggle to believe what cannot be seen? Continue to argue with "Daddy". There are answers out there and He will help you find them. Have a wonderful day. Blessings…Mary

  5. >Sometimes you have to fight, that's part of standing strong.

  6. >*Roland-I could have avoided a lot of grief over the years if I'd known you…as ever, you are sage and wise, and I thank you for sharing not only your knowledge, but your time and energy (prayers, thoughts, well wishes). I hope I never have to return the favor, but should it arise, I will be there. Scout's honor.*Aubrie-thank you. We do try to show them how to negotiate and to treat each other kindly. We also let them know when their actions make us sad or happy. As for personal stuff, well, this whole blog sort of started out as a place for me to rant, wonder, hypothesize, journal, etc. I'm just surprised/happy/touched that you all travel along and lend such support and encouragement! Not for the last time, I'll say-the blogging community is filled with the most wonderful people you could ever hope to find!*Olivia-you have piqued my curiosity…and touched my heart with your kind words, thank you. Isn't it great to have a Daddy big enough to deal with willful children? *Mary-you break it down and put it into the most simple, truthful words possible-I love the way you see straight into the heart of a matter. You would have been a great spy! Thank you for your encouragement.*VR Barkowski-you're absolutely right, and often, we have to fight for those not strong enough to do it for themselves…key word "stand"

  7. >standing up for those unable to do so is a sign of humanity, something lacking in too many folk 😦

  8. >Fighting for those not strong enough to fight for themselves is admirable and definitely 'lacking' in a world caught up with the struggles and needs of personal well-being.The Good Lord instilled that in you…and I'm sure He appreciates a 'lively conversation' from time to time.

  9. >*Laughingwolf-you are very kind, thank you…*Charlene-hahahahaha-I like that…lively! I'm not perfect, nor am I where I should be…but I have some moments where I do okay…thank you very much.

It is not necessary to fill in any of the information under the comment box!!!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: