>A Moment To Honor…..

>

I read a few blogs today and realized I had not noticed the date. Well, tomorrow’s date. September 11….

Because of the life I’ve lived, I’ve sort of developed a defense mechanism that works on auto-pilot. When something terrible happens, whatever form it may take, I tend to unconsciously tuck it, and any relevant emotions, into a box. Into a box in a closet. And I sleep. The tucking and locking away occurs while I’m sleeping. Once, long ago, the door to the closet cracked and all the locked away emotions began seeping out, like so much sludge….that was truly a dark time.

Anyway…

I was thinking about some of the things that had happened in my life that subsequently got locked away, taking the emotions with them:

Seeing my sister’s and my dogs get run over, literally in front of us when we were small children. We were going across the street to go sledding. The driver missed us by a couple feet. And the roads were perfectly clear…

Being kidnapped….there’s a post about it somewhere on here….

Talking to my sister, long distance, listening to her heart rending sobs as she told me my new baby niece was dying…she lived five days….

Talking to my brother, long distance, and crying together for more than 45 minutes when he told me my new baby nephew had died…..

Not understanding the coldness that swept over me when I shook hands with, and congratulated a student who had study hall during our English class. We all loved him. He’d gotten a baseball trophy. That afternoon, he and another student were playing on the steps of the bus and he fell off…..our whole class, and most of the school, attended his funeral and were unfit for our final exams. They had to reschedule them…

Watching my mom’s long struggle with several illnesses-physical, mental, and emotional, until she found peace, then watching her, after so very much suffering, bravely meet death….

And many other things that I won’t go in to….

Then, the public people: Elvis, Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, Challenger, Columbia, Katrina, Andrew, Jonestown, Steve Erwin….and so many others….

I was working third shift in 2001. I loved it, and I revert to those hours on long holidays. I had a new apartment. I was dating Honey. He talked all the time about ‘when we’re married’ so I knew it wouldn’t be too long. For the first time in a long time, I had something to look forward to….

I got off work at 8am and my sister in law, Pooh, called me as soon as I finally walked in the door. She told me to turn on the news. We talked on the phone as we looked at the smoke coming out of one of the Towers. I called Honey and we all talked on three-way.

We were talking and watched the plane hit the second Tower. And we learned about the Pentagon and the flight that was diverted and crashed. And we watched the Towers fall…..

I can clearly remember the complete, terrifying sense of awe. The dark sense of wonder at what I was seeing and hearing. And it became so much darker.

I could never be a doctor. Blood doesn’t bother me much. It’s the pain I can imagine a person feeling. It becomes real to me. I imagined all the pain and fear, and abject terror; the sense of loss, of regret, of never holding a loved one or a friend again. I imagined all the words that couldn’t be spoken or taken back. I thought of all the expressions of affection that were lost forever. I thought of the people who had lost friends and loved ones and all the things they wouldn’t be able to look forward to anymore. I imagined the suffering….

When I do this, I drown in it. I’m glad I never saw the people jumping. I stopped watching the news that day….

Tomorrow marks a dark and terrible anniversary.

As I wrote this, some of those emotions escaped….and it was okay. Sometimes, tears can be a good thing. Tonight, they honor all the dead…..

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About CuriousCat

I love to learn new things-anything from how to create a junk journal to the way light moves through space; why cats present their behinds to us to the effects of chemicals on our endocrine system. If it interests me, I can spend hours reading and learning about it.

Posted on September 10, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 17 Comments.

  1. >Beautifully written – tears do indeed honor those that no longer walk this earth.

  2. >What a wonderful post. The honesty and emotion are so touching.

  3. >I have 8 personal rules I live by. The first :Since everyone is having a harder time than they look, be as kind as you can.The odds are that you daily pass people who are struggling to survive their own personal 9-11.Have a great weekend, Roland

  4. >I agree this was beautifully written. You let a few of my own emotions out of the closet too. But that's okay I think they need to get out every once in a while so they don't build up and break us when they all come poring out.Roland is right everyone puts on a face for the world, and you never know the struggle going on inside.Thank you for your wonderful words on this sad anniversary.

  5. >That was a moving post dear girl. Yes we all need to let small amounts of emotions out or take the chance of busting the dam.Thank you for sharing so much. Have a wonderful weekend. 🙂Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

  6. >I wish I could find you right now and throw my arms around you in a giant hug. You've seen too much sadness in your life and you're right, sometimes we don't need to be reminded of it.I remember where I was when I found out about 9/11. It was a frightening experience to be sure.Thank you for sharing your story.

  7. >You've dealt with so many difficult (to put it mildly) in your life. How amazing you became the person you are.09/11 is always a hard day for me, though it's a much harder day for others who were more directly affected. My husband and sister were in Manhattan that day, and while I couldn't get in touch with them for hours, and the rumor of "missing" planes went on, I was a mess. And I was with my three-year-old pretending all was fine. A coworker's husband was a firefighter who died in the tower. She was five-months pregnant. It was heartbreaking.

  8. >This is a touching and beautifully written post. September 11 always makes me sad.

  9. >You have paid great honor to those who died and those who survived on 9-11. Your words are very powerful. I hope the day treats you kindly. Blessings…Mary

  10. >Heartfelt words. Moving and tragic.Brenda

  11. >I think Roland said it very well! Thank you Roland!

  12. >I think we all have to steel ourselves against the pain in life, otherwise we wouldn't be able to function properly. I have know people who do this — have hurtful events in their lives that shape nearly everything they say or do and probably think. These people are unable to be like normal people and can be quite burdensome to be around. Whenever I think about the bad things in my life, I think about the really bad things that have happened to others and I realize how truly blessed my life has been and is.As far as the empathetic pain, I know what you're talking about. Parenting can be bad enough, let alone taking care of those who are suffering. There have been times when I have been walking and seen somebody fall and I feel the pain and feel my legs grow weak. If I just think of someone else's pain, I will often draw up inside as I feel that pain with them.Good post.LeeTossing It Out

  13. >Feeling isn't always fun. :-/ But it's one of the things that make us human. I used to hate hearing "that which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger." I would want to throttle the therapists, teachers, adults who said that to me repeatedly as I was growing up. It was meant well, but wasn't the right thing to say at all. There are days were pulling the covers up and hiding seems to be a much better solution than feeling. There is something so protective about that cocoon.I am so sorry for your losses. For all of them! I feel honored that you shared them here and that I was one of the people who got to read about it.

  14. >I commented on your tribute post on my blog. Your words paid a fitting tribute to this day.

  15. >What an incredible post. So revealing. You sound like a very sensitive, caring, compassionate person. Someone I would like to get to know…so I will follow.

  16. >I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all the very sweet comments and wish-hugs. I know that this day was difficult for all of us, but mostly for those closely connected. Roland said something profound-that many people (including us) suffer their own 9/11 from time to time. That's very true. I'd never thought of it that way….If we can learn anything from this (and other) tragedy, let it be to cherish each moment. Tell people you love them, take a minute to actually listen. Forgive. Don't hate. And be very thankful for what you do have. I hope everyone has a very good week. Again, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to be so generous with your comments.

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