>Words: A Letter To Mom

>

Well, it’s Mother’s Day. For some of us, that’s a complicated day. Yes, I loved my mother and I choose to believe she loved me. I’ve stated in the past that ours was a very complicated relationship. It helps to know that she was sick for a really long time, and I’m not talking about her condition. I’m talking about her depression. And of course the grandmother was the root of much evil, but that’s a story for another day….
My mother had diabetes and the last insulin she was put on was later (after her death) blamed for many deaths. My sister and I discussed whether we should pursue a law suit. In the end, we didn’t want to relive the pain and horror of it all over and over again. And truly, Mom suffered horribly. We had all been through enough, so we let it go. 
Mom entered the hospital for what the doctors told us would be the last time. We’d been here so many times before….I worked second shift then and I cleared it with the head nurse on duty to come after 12am and sit with her. Of course when I arrived, another nurse was on duty and she said I absolutely could not visit at that hour. I told her that. I. was. sitting. with. my. mother. She left me alone.
I sat for just over an hour with Mom. Her breathing was difficult but there was such a feeling of peace about her. She told me I needed to go home and get some sleep. I said I was staying. I am as stubborn as she ever was, and that’s saying something. We sat in a companionable silence most of the time. It was enough. Finally, knowing that I was worrying her, I kissed her on the cheek and told her I loved her and she said she loved me too. Those were the last words we ever spoke to each other while she was alive. Again, another story…..
When I came home from her funeral, still in my dress, I sat down and wrote her a letter. It came out almost exactly as you will see it here. It was the second poem I put on my poetry blog…..it’s a pretty good summation of our relationship.

I think of the words

I should say
sitting here with you
Please don’t worry
it’ll be okay
knowing they’re all untrue
There is no future
only the past
thoughts lay heavy in my mind
The second hand’s turning
time’s slipping fast
I’ll give you what I can find
Fumbling through the memories
locked deep in my heart
I cry out in despair
So many times
words tore us apart
neither of us seemed to care
We gave plenty of words in anger
and quite a few in blame
too many now that can’t be taken back
Saddened with bitter regret
I lower my head in shame
I’m stunned by the courage we lack
How simple it would have been
to say I understand
forgive the things I do
I wonder if we had
would you have taken my hand
could we ever have said I love you
Still we shared many a laugh
good times lasted for miles
I wish you could come home
I want to go with you
I guess I’ll stay for a while
I’m afraid of being alone
Words really aren’t needed
we know each other too well
the past already forgot
You leave me here
in my sweet private hell
I watch as the second hand stops
RSM 4/20/1994

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About CuriousCat

I love to learn new things-anything from how to create a junk journal to the way light moves through space; why cats present their behinds to us to the effects of chemicals on our endocrine system. If it interests me, I can spend hours reading and learning about it.

Posted on May 8, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.

  1. >This is absolutely heart-wrenching. I so feel for you and your sister losing your mum this way. The lawsuit would have really been super difficult when you're already emotionally drained, still it seems very unfair. The poem you wrote is so heartfelt. A treasure.Thank you for visiting my mother's day post.Romantic Friday Writers – first challenge – Dire Moments

  2. >Your poem/letter is so profoundly sad and beautiful.Thank you.

  3. >This had me in tears, may you remember all the times this Mothers Day.

  4. >You post really spoke to me. Our mothers touch our lives and shape us in so many ways. Take care.

  5. >This was an absolutely poignant and moving post and I thank you for sharing your heart. The poem is so gut wrenching…I hope on this day you've found some inner peace and have put the self-blame aside.Happy Day to you!

  6. >These are powerful and beautiful words. Thank you for sharing them here. I wish you peace and love on Mother's Day. Take carex

  7. >Beautiful and heart-wrenching. Was it difficult to write or was it cathartic? Both, perhaps. It seems a very honest poem; the great ones are. I am happy that you had your last moments with her, were able to say kind things. God bless.

  8. >Beautiful and sad at the same time and incredibly powerful. You have no idea how others will relate to this. You have helped so many by sharing this today.

  9. >That made me tear up. I'm so so glad you got to be with her those last few moments. It must've meant so so much to her. You will always have that special memory… may it fill your heart and soul with love and joy.

  10. >Very touching story and an absolutely beautiful poem. I did make me tear up too. I'm afraid my relationship with my Mother is very volatile, which is difficult. These days I try to be there for her as much as I can without affecting my own health as much.Your post also made me think of the film 'Truly, Madly Deeply' because the plot has a clever way of showing us how we are with our loved ones and about saying Goodbye. x

  11. >A heart-wrenching story, and beautiful tribute to your mother and the relationship you had with eachother. Relationships within families can be so complicated and often it isn't until it is too late we realise things maybe could have been different. Whenever I read stories like this I always think of the Mike and The Mechanic song, The Living Years. Have you ever heard it?Lyrics

  12. >…this was painful and wonderful and unforgettable all wrapped up in a heaping bag of emotion. Your title speaks for itself, Crafter, for you've earned your stripes on this day:)EL

  13. >Beautiful, powerful poem.Thank you for sharing it.

  14. >I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that pain. You're right, a lawsuit wouldn't have been worth the added suffering.

  15. >*hug* I have no words. So beautifully written.Thinking of you.~bru

  16. >Wow. Very heart-wrenching yet touching at the same time. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

  17. >well said, m'dear… painful as it is

  18. >So sad and beautiful. What a terrible loss. It was very brave of you to share this with us.

  19. >I don't think you need to be afraid to be alone. She is with you. A very beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing it with us.

  20. >A beautiful and heartwrenching poem. It is good you have this outlet for all the pain.I hope this day treated you well Becky………dhole

  21. >very touching. thanks for sharing such deep chambers of yourself.

  22. >Thanks for such a lovely poem. I also lost my mum and you had me in tears.

  23. >This post reminded me a little too much of my own mother's passing. To say I 'feel' your pain…I really do.Beautiful poem…hopefully I will be able to see your poems in book form one day!

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