therainydaywanderer

My Confession

Anyone who’s known me for a while knows I blogged before. I was therainydaywanderer. I had a blast as the wanderer. Met lots of nice people, made some really good friends. Learned a lot, too.

July 23, 2011 was the last time I posted as the wanderer. I couldn’t do it any more. My blog had become my life. It was my safe place, my haven, but it also became my obsession. In a complicated way.

I learned a long time ago that safety nets become traps. That doesn’t mean that I don’t repeat the cycle over and over. I do. Books, music, television, the computer-these are my hidey-holes. But they also become the means to avoid dealing with things. And there’s been a lot to deal with in the last couple years. The last straw was the night I was trying to visit blogs and the new Blogger drove me crazy. It’s why I moved to WordPress. There were many straws before that, though.

Our center went through rating scales, which is stressful beyond words. Thankfully, we retained our 5 stars. On top of the ratings stress, certain situations at work were…shall we say, enough to make me almost walk out. Screaming. More than once.

I was sick. A lot. Only this year have I gotten a handle on the wicked-horrible migraines. Zyrtec is a mixed blessing. I’m a sleepy zombie, but hey-fewer migraines!

Lots of family issues, again-mixed blessings/breakthroughs. And again, this year. Lots of things have been a long, long time coming. Other things have happened so fast that I’m still reeling. Good and bad.

I was able to get into the last class I needed to graduate with an Assoc. Degree in Early Childhood Education. It was the hardest class I’ve ever taken, but I really enjoyed it. Science rocks.

In July, I will have finished writing the new curriculum I’m using in my classroom. What makes me feel really good about it? Two things. My Director suggested it because I love culture and science. It’s been hours and hours of work at home every month for a year. The kids love it. Parents do, too. Lots of participation. And it’s been so successful that the two pre-K classes are doing it too, beginning with the next school year (August).

Then there’s the issue with ADHD. Certain things I can focus on and everything else suffers. Very typical problem. I focused all my energies on the blog. Even now, I struggle with balance. My Director has given me tools that have helped to a degree. Last week, she gave me another one. I’m trying to clear the way to implement it.

I don’t want to go on meds. I’ve watched too many family members take dozens of meds-and largely to no avail. I’m terribly cynical. I honestly believe that, in some part, meds are just a way to keep the public dependent while certain companies make money hand over fist.

At work, I cope pretty well with the ADHD. At home? All bets are off. Less accountability. More distractions. The long and short of it is that some things had to give. Blogging was one of them. It was hard to walk away from blogging. All the friends I’d made. I walked away from lots of things in 2011. It was an incredibly difficult year. Last year was worse. I felt pummeled in every way and from every direction. And I had no more hidey-holes.

So imagine my surprise when I woke up one Friday morning in April with a blog in my head, title and all. That little voice, you know the one I’m talking about, told me to do it. So I did. Still don’t know the purpose. Am I supposed to go say hello to everyone? Am I supposed to just post and see who stops by? Not a clue. It’s frustrating. But I’m doing it….

I don’t know if this is confusing, if it’s helpful, or even if it matters. I know I skimmed the surface, but clearer, deeper explanations would take too much time and be way too long for a post.

Basically, that’s it. The where and the why. I listened to my inner voice and here I am again. In the blogverse without a clue.

So this is me. On the raggedy edge….and I aim to misbehave 🙂